Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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