so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
