Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
