so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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