Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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