"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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