I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
