If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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