just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
