Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
