I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
