I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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