I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The best revenge is premature balding
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
