after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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