I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
