as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Text me some of your sweat
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
