i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
