I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
