Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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