the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
