I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
