why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
