he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
