I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
