its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
