3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
