ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
