when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
