think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Vodka?
Forever.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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