If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
