just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
