have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
