yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
