Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
