if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
