at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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