With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
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I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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