I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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