3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How's work?
Spinning.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
