last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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