No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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