Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
