My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
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Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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