just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
