woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
