Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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