I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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