my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
