i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
