A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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