so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
