You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
