I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
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Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
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You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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