my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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