Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
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There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
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Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i out mim tonsoeep
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