It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
