My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
