Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
