Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
